I have not sewn as much as I need to. I have been doing a great deal of work on John’s business, and I have vegetated. I must have needed it.
We decided to suspend the house search. We just felt too desperate. That is a stupid place to be when trying to make those kind of decisions. So, now, we wait. The Summer will be a better time, financially, and it just makes more sense. So no house for now.
Then, last Wednesday, 1.27.2010, my friend and ex Bert decided to end his life. There has been an enormous outpouring of emotion from a great many people. It is hard on many. Hard to understand, hard to imagine the loss, hard on the family who didn’t know him, but are supportive in our grief,… it is just hard. It will pass, but in this moment there is sadness. John and I are planning to go to TX for the Memorial, if they ever figure out where and when. I am thankful for the support structure I have around me, and I am grateful for the opportunity to support others in their process.
I am so grateful for all the love I have and have had in my life. Thank you!
I wrote a long note on FaceBook about Bert, and I will post it here as well, should any one be interested. I apologize that it is so long.
” “Things I hate”, by Bertolt Pfeiffer Volume 1, page 1, item 1…The French” “
If anyone spent any real time around Bert, you would hear all about these volumes. They were all in his head of course, but the volumes (of which there were many), would contain stupid little things that would be aggravating him RIGHT NOW!
” “Things I hate”, by Bertolt Pfeiffer Volume 32, page 56, item 4568…people on cell phones while driving.” “
He would also sing the craziest little non-rhyming ditties, usually about how everyone should hate the French, and why. I never asked why the French, assuming it was something historical, and in his German blood. Now, I can’t ask him. -sigh-
Having spent a year and a half as his girlfriend and roommate, I heard many varieties of this volume or that, this song or that. He almost always woke up in a good mood, singing. He loved to be social, once you got him there. He loved to be the center of attention, and would go to extraordinary methods to procure it at times. He was a gifted artisan. He was one of those truly irritating people that would touch something, figure it out, improve it, and make it possibly more beautiful than it was ever intended for it to be. Just because he could. He was kind and at times generous to a fault. He would loan his last buck to a friend, and then run out of gas, now he would have to walk to help. He was one of the funniest men alive, and he could make the people around him, funnier. He was just brilliant. A shining star, that I will treasure my time with, in my heart and soul.
Unfortunately that kind of brilliance comes with a price tag. He was scattered, forgetful, unintentionally thoughtless, and would have bursts of depression or frenetic needs to clean, organize, or build. He would walk right into a pile of huge Hispanic guys and tell them to shut the f*k up when they kept him up at night. He would not sleep for days in a row, just because he could not calm his mind down. He would get so frustrated with some of the simplest things in his school work. It was very difficult to see him like this, and harder to be unable to help. He did NOT want the help, either. He would ofttimes be belligerent about not wanting sympathy or support that HE felt he did not deserve. When he got it in his head that he was too stupid to do something, it was nearly impossible to convince him otherwise. -sigh- Oh, Bert, I was always so proud of you.
Knowing he struggled with ADD, I have often described him having a sense of time and space like an old-time radio dial. Within those two lines he was tuned in, and maybe 5 minutes on either side, but beyond that…
He would tell me stories of how he would be driving along, and decide to just pull over and stop, take a different road, or drive up into a rest stop…for no particular reason. Then while he did, or went wherever he was told miraculous stuff would happen. He took a different route one time, and felt like stopping on the side of the road. Just then a driver in front of him spun around twice, and toppled of the road rolling over several times before coming to a stop. Bert rushed to the other vehicle and the man who was held upside down by his seatbelt was not breathing, and dead. Bert unbelted him, and caught the man as he fell. This most have shocked his system enough, because he came back to life coughing, and Bert stayed until the ambulance came. The other that I can think of, was just last winter, when he was going to go skiing, DAMMIT! He drove all the way up into OK. About 50 miles north of OKCity, he felt he must turn around, things were bad. So he did. He got all the way back into the rocky part on I35 where the ‘Scenic Overlooks’ are and pulled into one of them. There was a woman there whose car had just died. She had waited about 20 minutes, and a truck with 2 kids in it had driven in looked at her and left, and she was afraid, but when Bert drove up she just knew she was safe, and got out of her car and came to him. Of course he helped her. I think he drove her back to Norman,OK and her brother’s house. I think her name was Kristy. He was completely weirded out by the experience, and slept for 14 hours when he got home. Being a tool of the Universe was taxing.
Bert was a right place, right time kind of guy. I think his ADD kept his mind in such a blur that it was possible for the Universe to manipulate him when necessary. He helped many people. He used to be a paramedic, but too many people that he couldn’t help, made him quit.
I always knew my time ‘with’ Bert would be short. I felt he and I were together for a reason, to help each other. He was a lesson in tolerance for me, and I think a lesson in acceptance for him. Bert needed to learn what it was like to be accepted just for who he was, no need to change, and that this was a good thing. I needed to learn how to tolerate him, and his episodic weirdnesses, thus learning to tolerate others more.
We talked sometimes of getting him treated for the ADD. He had several friends that were being treated, and they would offer insights. He hated taking medication though, and would get upset if he did not like the way it made him feel. Even when in excessive pain he would rather tough it out. Plus, it is hard to remember to even take vitamins, when you can’t focus enough to put the milk in the fridge and not in the sink, cupboard, or bathroom. It was hard to talk to him about such personal issues. He did not want to talk about it. If you ignore it it will get better. Not true.
After we split up in June, he told me he was finally being treated, and that it gave him the ability to see other people’s perspectives, and understand their feelings. I thought and told him that that was great! Being open to except love into his life would bring someone in to it for that express purpose. Just a little more time! Dammit, Bert!
Now I related all that to come to the point that he told me in Sept. that he was being treated, and discovered later for bipolar disorder. I understand this, many of the woman in my family suffer from the same malady. It isn’t something to hide or be ashamed of. It is okay to go get penicillin for pneumonia. It is okay. But, like pneumonia, just because you feel better does NOT mean you should stop taking your medicine. Especially when you are dealing with the brain. It controls EVERYTHING! My Aunt got her meds tweeked a little, like a millegram, and she was weird and off balance for a week, until everything smoothed back out. These medications are designed to work best when there is a consistent level of them in your system. I do not know what he was taking, but I do know, that if got it into his head that he didn’t like how it felt, or he was fine now, or just stopped taking it, that it would screw with his entire reality.
He was potentially, not really able to even help himself at that point. Bert was the most ‘Present Moment’ guy I ever met. When it came to a moment that was so utterly dark, and he had lost all the tools his body could produce to protect him from the dark, he ended that moment. Leaving a gaping wound in all us of that loved him.
I can tell you that he would be thoroughly embarrassed by all the attention and well wishes he is currently receiving. I say, “Too damn bad!” I hope with all my heart that he is somewhere saying, “Holy Shit, look at that!” and that all our love spirits him on to the next lifetime where there will be no fear or doubt to hide from, and no reason to constantly prove himself worthy or better. We love you Bertolt Edward Pfeiffer!
I love you and I miss you, too.
Posted in Life as only I know it
We spent a couple of Fridays dressing up Victorian style, and having fun. The first was a friend’s benefit for the Foster Children in Fulton County. It was a murder-mystery party, and we had a great time. Rhonni, I, Riki, and Teagan all had a blast, ate some food(sparingly), were completely surprised by the outcome, and it was all for a good cause.
The next Friday there was a little SteamPunk convention(
I loved this building towers. The whole campus is stone Victorian buildings. Just lovely. I had to take several version before I got one that worked. The lighting was a little weird.
I loved this building. It had quotes around the eave and oval enameled badges in the eave between the quotes. The entire ceiling was several different motifs like peacocks.
Thanks!